Live Your Yoga

So last night, I laid out my mat and I. Did. Yoga.

This has been attempted before, unsuccessfully. Mat down, body ready and… baby wakes up pretty much immediately, whether she’s been down for 10 minutes or 45 minutes.

Well yesterday I had a visit with my dear friend and fellow yoga teacher Sam, who delivered her son 6 weeks before Leelu was born. It was nice to have the adult stimulation as well as see the babies interact (so cute!). But what was really great was being able to talk about our bodies and how lack of yoga and physical baby stress has really taken a toll. Yes, I can tell my husband how my lower back aches from changing diapers or how my shoulders are caving from breastfeeding, but Sam is going through the same thing. She understands.

We talked about our complete lack of practice, how the disappointment sets in not just in the body but in the mind. How we want to lay out our mat but there are laundry, dishes, bathrooms to clean. How we are often too tired/exhausted even though we know that our lack of yoga leads to being more tired/exhausted. And lastly, how we, as yoga teachers, need a yoga teacher. This last one is vital because it takes us past our ego. We need to exit our homes for an hour and a half and be told what to do. And it’s okay. Because we need to do what it takes to get us back into our bodies.

Sam and I are similar in a lot of ways. And one of them is that we need someone to hold us accountable for our practice right now. And we’re going to be that for each other. We’ve decided to pick just one morning a week, leave the babies in the good hands of their daddys, grandmas, etc. and go take a yoga class together. Hoorah!

The excitement of the possibility is what probably led me to lay out my mat last night. I put the baby down for her nap, grabbed a VHS yoga tape that I used to do more than a decade ago and popped it in the VCR (yep, I still have one). The music started and instantly I remembered how much I loved this video. Erich Shifman’s calming voice, the back drop of the white sand dunes, the yoga models tranquil clothing colors… weird right? That the colors of their clothes would take me back and put me in that place. Watch it, you’ll see.

My presence was still only half way there. Daisy was on one couch doing geometry homework, the cat was rubbing up against my leg, and my gaze kept floating back to the baby on the other couch to make sure she was breathing (crazy mother thing). And yes, the baby did wake up only about 25 minutes in, but that 25 minutes…

I felt the space of my body. The first uttanasana, a little discouraging, bent knees, aching back. But by the 5th round or so, my body’s memory took over. Lengthen here, spread here, sink in there. Ah, yes. And moving into trikonasana, my favorite pose, there was that initial shock that I had to leave my bottom hand on my upper thigh. My upper thigh! But there is my breath. I am reaching skyward. I am moving into the vast space that is my body. Oh to just be there in that moment and find sweet contentment replacing the disappointment and discouragement. Yes, Brandi. That is yoga. Remember now?

And when Leelu began to stir, I was not upset or aggravated. I was grateful. I was love.

Yay, yoga.

Sam & I, about 3 years ago in teacher training.

Sam, Archer, me, & -4 days for Leelu.

Our babies.

There has been a surge of creative energy flowing around me. Around me. Not through me, or even next to me. I have been struggling to stay on top of my health and maintain some semblance of a functioning life and practice. Life and practice. Same thing, right?

I’ve neglected this blog since my injury. It seems that ever since that injury there has been one challenge after another. And the injury, by the way, has still not completely healed.

Further lessons in impermanence and letting go. And going with the flow. Even if it seems I’m stuck at a standstill and cannot quite seem to get my flow flowin’. Whew. To share…

2 days after I injured myself I found out I was pregnant. Though not completely unexpected, it still took us by surprise. And I proceeded to live through the worst bout of nausea known to womankind. I’m sure I’m exaggerating, but it certainly didn’t feel like it. Just as soon as I started to feel like a semi normal human being again, I was stricken with a severe flu that had I gone to a doctor I feel sure I would have been diagnosed with pneumonia, to which I am still recovering.

In all this time my husband has been working compassionately and diligently to hold our household together, while my dearest friends have been working their own magic to help me hold the studio together. I am truly blessed with my support system.

The studio is still functioning, though things have changed dramatically. They’ve had to. The studio is basically a one woman show, and while I’ve been incredibly grateful for my subs and supportive teachers and students, all of the creative and enterprising juju that was planned and needed has been put on hold. Indefinitely.

It seems that One Rhythm is headed in a new direction. What exactly that direction is yet is still to be determined. I only hope that I have the courage and compassion (with myself) to see it through.

Life throws us giant challenges sometimes. What we make of them is hugely dependent on our character, and the love that we have to shine on our way.

Funny thing happened today.

I released yet another label.

How interesting the ego is. How amusing the small self. (There, there small self. I mean no disrespect.)

I have been known (often) to complain about labels. I feel so boxed in by them. And Goddess forbid someone else label me.

For instance, some such labels by friends and others: Shy. Strong. Brave. Bitch. Young grasshopper. Stuck up. Shining. True. The list goes on. And on. Forever. Some nice and flattering. Others… not so much. For one that runs from labels, I, too, give myself a lot of them. Mother. Wife. Teacher. Writer. Poet. Yogi. Designer. Again, the list goes on.

Some of these titles are obvious, and only too natural. (Well, of course I’m a mother.) Even in my introduction to “me”, the title page that holds this blog, I fill your mind (and my own) with labels. This is who I am. See. This. That. These things. Are me.

Not really.

I have been rebelling against this label thing my whole life. Identifying them with ego, but not fully seeing the action of identifying itself as ego.

Silly girl. Oop. Another one.

Here’s the thing. Labels are not bad. Neither is the ego. There is a comfort in it all. And we humans often rely on our comforts.

There is a Sanskrit mantra: Ham Sa. I am That.

That. Everything. Divine. God. Goddess. Spirit. Every. Thing. That.

It is the label that is absent of labels.

Let the ego play with the irony of that conundrum for a while.

"Listen! The wind is rising, and the air is wild with leaves. We have had our summer evenings, now for October eves!" ~Humbert Wolfe

How are you feeling as you transition into this darker time? As the Earth begins her gentle descent into the depths of the season, might I suggest you take some time to rest yourself? To reflect and take stock of the fruits of your labor, to slow down, and most importantly, just to be grateful for the love and bounty of your life?

After the Equinox, I felt that Summer wasn’t quite ready to loose its grasp and let Fall roll its way in. Alas, as the days have counted their way into the season, I am reminded again of the rhythmic cycle of life; everything must fall away to rise again. Indeed the morning chill has shown its face and I find myself bundling up and enjoying the transition into Fall.

I move deeply into my yoga practice this time of year. When the darkness pours in, I allow the silence of the season to fill me. When the winter doldrums begin to take hold, I seek the sun. Originally from the Florida coast, our main seasons were Summer and Hurricane. The chill of the occasional cold front came and went, with the excitement of the rare and breathtaking icicle to put many a smile of the child’s face. But it wasn’t until I moved to Colorado that I began to experience the true essence of the Seasons. I feel truly blessed to bear witness and move through the journey of Mother Nature’s cycles.

My yoga practice allows me to connect to these changes on a deeper level. As I move through asana, listening to my breath, feeling the physical heartbeat of my own body, I am reminded that that rhythm is part of the larger rhythm of life on this planet. It is the same heartbeat of Mother Earth.

I invite you to be still, and connect to that magical life force that carries us on, and connects us all… what a gift is it just to breathe.

Working in a women’s boutique has opened my eyes and my heart to the ridiculous amount of self-critical, depressed, body-conscious women out there. And I’ve made it my personal/professional duty when I am in the store to brighten those women’s day, make them smile and give them a little bounce in their step. Even if just for a moment.

Maybe it’s because I have an amazing husband (though once a husband of one of these ladies almost brought me to tears~ even if she didn’t think much of herself, he certainly did), maybe it’s because I have good friends, a great family, or perhaps it has something to do with my yoga practice and seeing the strength and grace in my body. Maybe it’s because of my daughter, and being proud of my body for its capabilities in childbirth and rearing. Maybe it’s because of my spirituality and the fact that I am a visionary of the goddess within. Maybe it’s all these things.

Some may sneer at this wisdom and say, “well of course you feel that way, look at you.” Yeah, so what. Look at me. The only thing that makes us different is how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about other people’s reactions to us. That is all.

Let’s clear something. I am not supporting obesity or the fat, lazy American syndrome (yes, I said it. Sat nam.) I am however supporting a healthy and active lifestyle, self care, and most of all a healthy sense of self worth. And if that self worth comes with 50 extra pounds, then that’s 50 extra pounds of perfection, baby.

So do yourself a favor today, tell yourself your beautiful. And the next woman you see~ remind her that she’s beautiful too!

At the workshop on Sunday, we talked a lot about small self. Unfortunately, most of us know her on a first name basis. She’s the trash talking, flaw emphasizing, ego toting one that looks back at us when we’re brushing our teeth in the morning mirror. She’s the couldn’t have, shouldn’t have, oh no you di-nt kind of girl. The one that doubts. The one that looks around and thinks, I could never be like that, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, thinks that she’s the shit and wants you to know it in an obvious or sneaky coy sort of way. I’m the best, oh look at me, are you looking at me, no don’t look at me, no really, look. The small self stands in fear.

There is no room in my life right now for small self.

Jessica said a wonderful thing. And though she was addressing the entire group of beautiful and amazing women, I felt she was saying exactly what I needed to hear. She was speaking to me. She said it was my duty. My responsibility to share what I’ve learned. She told the story of the sage (hopefully I get this close to right ~ you’ll get the drift) who upon his death was expecting nirvana for all he had learned, and Shiva said to him, in your first life you have learned, in your second life you have learned. Now leaving this third life you have learned. But what have you given? And so he sent the sage back again, and in his fourth life he was a teacher.

I’ve thought about this concept before. And a version of this thought was one that got me on the path of teaching yoga in the first place. I wanted to change the world. And I believed that one way to do that was through yoga. Think about how you feel after your practice. Now think about every single person in the world feeling that same way. Peace? Enlightenment? How about just simple contentment for this moment? I expressed this thought to a friend once, a fellow yoga teacher. And she said something that was so far from my intention, but that affected me none the less. She said that thinking this way was my ego talking. I let that one little sentence dig into my small self. And it dug deep. But it’s finding its way back to the surface . That sense of affecting change. And now it’s even more profound because now, it’s my duty.

One week ago Sunday, my husband and I signed a lease to open a permanent location for One Rhythm Yoga. Since the Wednesday before that, when I was first considering the possibility, small self took up residency. We did everything together, and my husband was getting pretty annoyed when she kicked the covers off at night. At times, my whole self, my divine self, the part of me that KNOWS, well, she’d take over the situation in her firm voice. You know, the mother tone. And I would remember. I would remember. And I am back to the lesson of the daisy and that of my underlying strength. It’s there. And this space didn’t come to me for anything remotely having to do with my ego. I was not looking to open up a yoga studio. But then it was there, and God said, “Look Brandi. Now what will you DO with it?”

I have spent the last 13 years of my life learning what it takes to be yoga. I suppose technically I’ve spent the last 31. And I will spend the rest of this lifetime continuing that process. But here begins something new. Now I commit to being a teacher. Yes, I have been teaching. But I have never allowed myself to fully commit to it. Not really. Something happened. I discovered my duty.

I will not be surprised when small self peeks her little head in the doorway. Oh, yes, she’s a persistent little devil. I will not be surprised when she invites herself in for tea. But let me tell you friends, (and small self you best be listenin’ girl), after those lemon scones, she’s outta here. (says I in my best mama tone).

...they are a comin'

Otherwise known as “The Joy response.”

Swadhisthana

I went to a workshop today, led by one of my favorite and most inspiring teachers. I decided to go to the workshop even though I knew I couldn’t stay for the whole thing. My coworker was a gem and worked an hour longer so that I could in turn stay an hour longer, which only brought me an hour short of the ending. Got an hour thing going here, huh?

The workshop was called “Where the Goddess Stands” and focused on the second chakra, her favorite standing place. There were crazy amounts of hip opening and forward folds. This was only the second asana class I’ve attended of Jessica’s, the first being only a couple of weeks ago. Her asana practices are challenging and beautiful.

Plug for Jess here: She is the only Jivamukti teacher in Colorado Springs and she is AMAZING. Just seeing her smile makes me smile. Her inner light radiates and touches all those who are blessed to be in her presence. She teaches at Pranava Yoga Center and leads workshops and retreats year round. Check her out. You won’t regret it.

Back to the workshop: it’s part of her new Women of the Woods program (LOVE the name!) and just reading that title made me want to be a part of it. It sounded like something completely up my alley. So I went for it, telling her that I’d have to leave early. And my wonderful husband gave up his Sunday morning with me so that I could go.

We were asked to bring a flower that reminded us of our sacredness. Our feminine divinity. Even our sexuality. I brought daisies. Daisies are my favorite flower. It was my great grandmother’s name, and my aunt’s, both of whom I never met. It is the name of my daughter. Daisies remind me that beauty resides in simplicity. Also that grace, fragility, sweetness and innocence have this underlying strength that shines through against all odds. Daisies persevere in the face of a rose. And also in the presence of the weeds that she walks with daily. Daisies remind me that it’s okay to be a quiet force. I could go on and on…

So I brought daisies. We set them on the altar with images of goddesses and peacock feathers. Did you know that peacocks are the only known natural enemy of the cobra? The peacock actually transforms the venom in her body to something harmless. A reminder of how we can transform the poisons in our own lives. We each picked a goddess card from The Goddess Oracle and I got Coventina, goddess of purification. I am entering a time of cleansing and detoxification of mind and body, she says. Well, no doubt. My body is telling me lately that I better get serious about it. And my mind, well, there’s a whole other blog post.:)

Transformation

My husband and I picked our first zucchini out of the garden yesterday (see garden yoga). We were SO excited. This is the first edible thing I’ve ever grown! And it was beautiful! He made a fabulous quiche out of this beautiful vegetable and I felt overwhelmed with blessings.

Ok, that was off subject But I had to mention it.

The asana practice was intense. I had to let go of my defenses and access my inner goddess to get through it. And I did, and Savasana was so sweet. When we were called out, and about to go down for food, I looked at the time to see how much I had left and to my surprise and panic, it was already quarter after 2! There was no time for food or hugs I just had to get out of there to make it to work on time. When I made it to work I felt scattered and spacey. I attributed it to lack of food and simply that lack of full integration. Yes, I got savasana. But there needed to be something else for this particular practice, I thought. So I just went with it. Wonderful Daisy brought me a muffin and I sipped on my love latte from my wonderful husband. Then I started interacting with customers and soon I started to notice that I was absolutely elated! My mood was so elevated I was staring into bliss everywhere I looked. And then I noticed that my joyful spirit was contagious, or perhaps it was the people coming in that were wearing off on me. I don’t know, but the entire night was FUN! Just absolute pleasure and joy at being here, in this moment, with these beings. And then I started thinking, hmm… the spacey feeling that first affected me had turned into something else entirely. Joy!

So even though I don’t think I’ll choose to participate again in a workshop if I can’t stay for the entire thing, the essence eventually caught up with me. And my customers got to bask in the afterglow, even if they were unaware of the source.

Jai!