Live Your Yoga

So last night, I laid out my mat and I. Did. Yoga.

This has been attempted before, unsuccessfully. Mat down, body ready and… baby wakes up pretty much immediately, whether she’s been down for 10 minutes or 45 minutes.

Well yesterday I had a visit with my dear friend and fellow yoga teacher Sam, who delivered her son 6 weeks before Leelu was born. It was nice to have the adult stimulation as well as see the babies interact (so cute!). But what was really great was being able to talk about our bodies and how lack of yoga and physical baby stress has really taken a toll. Yes, I can tell my husband how my lower back aches from changing diapers or how my shoulders are caving from breastfeeding, but Sam is going through the same thing. She understands.

We talked about our complete lack of practice, how the disappointment sets in not just in the body but in the mind. How we want to lay out our mat but there are laundry, dishes, bathrooms to clean. How we are often too tired/exhausted even though we know that our lack of yoga leads to being more tired/exhausted. And lastly, how we, as yoga teachers, need a yoga teacher. This last one is vital because it takes us past our ego. We need to exit our homes for an hour and a half and be told what to do. And it’s okay. Because we need to do what it takes to get us back into our bodies.

Sam and I are similar in a lot of ways. And one of them is that we need someone to hold us accountable for our practice right now. And we’re going to be that for each other. We’ve decided to pick just one morning a week, leave the babies in the good hands of their daddys, grandmas, etc. and go take a yoga class together. Hoorah!

The excitement of the possibility is what probably led me to lay out my mat last night. I put the baby down for her nap, grabbed a VHS yoga tape that I used to do more than a decade ago and popped it in the VCR (yep, I still have one). The music started and instantly I remembered how much I loved this video. Erich Shifman’s calming voice, the back drop of the white sand dunes, the yoga models tranquil clothing colors… weird right? That the colors of their clothes would take me back and put me in that place. Watch it, you’ll see.

My presence was still only half way there. Daisy was on one couch doing geometry homework, the cat was rubbing up against my leg, and my gaze kept floating back to the baby on the other couch to make sure she was breathing (crazy mother thing). And yes, the baby did wake up only about 25 minutes in, but that 25 minutes…

I felt the space of my body. The first uttanasana, a little discouraging, bent knees, aching back. But by the 5th round or so, my body’s memory took over. Lengthen here, spread here, sink in there. Ah, yes. And moving into trikonasana, my favorite pose, there was that initial shock that I had to leave my bottom hand on my upper thigh. My upper thigh! But there is my breath. I am reaching skyward. I am moving into the vast space that is my body. Oh to just be there in that moment and find sweet contentment replacing the disappointment and discouragement. Yes, Brandi. That is yoga. Remember now?

And when Leelu began to stir, I was not upset or aggravated. I was grateful. I was love.

Yay, yoga.

Sam & I, about 3 years ago in teacher training.

Sam, Archer, me, & -4 days for Leelu.

Our babies.

It has been almost 1 month since my body has practiced physical yoga. My last day of teaching was on the 13th of May. It has been a long and emotional ride adjusting to the change, and even more so, trying to incorporate the studio’s belongings into my teeny tiny house. That is a work in progress. I finally semi-cleared my desk yesterday, probably only to find more that needs a resting place until the next time. Sigh.

I’ve noticed, especially in the last week, how my body is reacting to the yoga withdrawal. The added weight of increasing belly adds to a forward motion of the chest and shoulders. I’ve been slouching a lot. I catch myself mind you, but whereas good posture came as second nature to this yogini before, I’m having to work at it now. And, ooh, the charlie horses. I wake up at night because I’ve stretched my legs in my sleep and that simple action leads to that ouchy tightness in my calves.

I’d hoped to be able to enroll in a prenatal class a lot sooner, but our budget right now is just not allowing it. So my hubby and daughter recorded some prenatal yoga videos for me that I could do at home. They’ve been sitting patiently on the shelf waiting until I just couldn’t take the decline of the body anymore… almost a month now. This morning I woke up and decided that today was definitely the day. I started with a little garden weeding (impossible! ugh!) and then came in, washed my feet, and went right into it on the living room carpet. I didn’t lay my mat down because I was dirty and didn’t want my mat to get dirty too. Well, yoga is quite the adventure isn’t it. 14 years of practice all down the drain (big exaggeration) due to a single month off. Pretty much like when I came down with pneumonia and had to take time off. Silly yogini. Really though, yoga is akin to the whole ‘riding a bike’ thing. You just have to get back on when you fall off. The practice felt good, and I need more. I have two videos, one with Shiva and one with Eva Barash. I did the Eva one today and am going to attempt to alternate between the two and get a practice in everyday. This is so extremely important for my body, and will make delivery so much more smooth. I just know it.

So that’s what going on lately, friends. Actually, there’s TONS going on right now, but that is what I have time and energy to share at this point. Eventually I’ll fill in the blanks.

Namaste.

This is my dear friend Karen and I. We went through yoga teacher training together with Lahiri School of Yoga. Karen is doing AMAZING things down in Mexico with her newly formed and inspiring studio, Bending Tree Yoga and Healing Center. I’m so excited to see her and the other yoginis from our training while Karen is in town. I’m also looking forward to Karen guest teaching at the studio on Monday night! I will be participating as much as I can with my pregnant belly It’s definitely making its presence known lately. More to come on that! In the meantime, Welcome home, Karen!

Oh joyous Spring! It has been the perfect weekend to celebrate the balance of the Equinox. The sun us shining brightly and there is a cool breeze blowing. After last night’s full moon, the wind seems ideal to blow away the last remnants of winter and stagnancy (even though here in Colorado winter sometimes lingers past May).

I don’t know about you, but I am most ready for these longer days of sunshine. The earth is reborn today and we can start to see it in the world around us. Maybe not necessarily in the earth herself unless you’re in a warmer climate, but notice the bird song and the soil starting to be worked by the gardeners in your area. There is more activity outside as we celebrate (consciously or unconsciously) this rebirth and growth.

I find myself reflecting on the beautiful balance of this day. So much in my life lately has felt topsy turvey. The last week has definitely brought about a feeling of something rising, culminating. Something that I’ve been desperately needing. It built up to the full moon last night, and now this morning I have such a sense of release. It’s time to begin again.

I’m pregnant by the way. Almost 5 months. This pregnancy has definitely followed the seasons. Not in the conceive on Beltane deliver on Imbolc kind of way, but deeply in my body have I felt the Earth’s body, even if I didn’t realize it until now.

I conceived one month before the winter solstice, on a full moon, and come that solstice I was feeling the dark depths of my being. Knowing that there was growth happening, but still having to be in that darkness. “Babies develop in the darkness of the mother’s womb.” My body felt that depth with the weakness and nausea of the 1st trimester.

Come Imbolc, the nausea had started to fade but then the flu struck me hard. Yes, the sun is growing stronger, but it can certainly be one of the coldest months of the year. Imbolc is a time for initiation and can be both a commitment and a test. And oh, was I being tested.

All this time my body was continuing to support the growth, even through the difficult days and the struggle to persevere. And now the equinox has arrived, and I feel the balance outside and within. I am reminded that we are one and the same. When we pay attention, we see the reflection.

So happy Spring, everyone. Blessed Equinox. Reflect on the balance in your lives and on what you will choose to nurture in the days to come.

There has been a surge of creative energy flowing around me. Around me. Not through me, or even next to me. I have been struggling to stay on top of my health and maintain some semblance of a functioning life and practice. Life and practice. Same thing, right?

I’ve neglected this blog since my injury. It seems that ever since that injury there has been one challenge after another. And the injury, by the way, has still not completely healed.

Further lessons in impermanence and letting go. And going with the flow. Even if it seems I’m stuck at a standstill and cannot quite seem to get my flow flowin’. Whew. To share…

2 days after I injured myself I found out I was pregnant. Though not completely unexpected, it still took us by surprise. And I proceeded to live through the worst bout of nausea known to womankind. I’m sure I’m exaggerating, but it certainly didn’t feel like it. Just as soon as I started to feel like a semi normal human being again, I was stricken with a severe flu that had I gone to a doctor I feel sure I would have been diagnosed with pneumonia, to which I am still recovering.

In all this time my husband has been working compassionately and diligently to hold our household together, while my dearest friends have been working their own magic to help me hold the studio together. I am truly blessed with my support system.

The studio is still functioning, though things have changed dramatically. They’ve had to. The studio is basically a one woman show, and while I’ve been incredibly grateful for my subs and supportive teachers and students, all of the creative and enterprising juju that was planned and needed has been put on hold. Indefinitely.

It seems that One Rhythm is headed in a new direction. What exactly that direction is yet is still to be determined. I only hope that I have the courage and compassion (with myself) to see it through.

Life throws us giant challenges sometimes. What we make of them is hugely dependent on our character, and the love that we have to shine on our way.

As I write this, I am sitting with a castor oil compress on my chest.

At the beginning of last week, I wrote down affirmations. Positive thoughts in the present tense that I would carry with me and repeat through the day. I am a firm believer in affirmations so please do not let my bizarre turn of events dissuade you from setting some of you own. It’s a good thing. It’s a great thing. Try it, you’ll see. The results can be astounding.

A couple examples for you from my own pen:

1. I am whole and healthy. My body, mind and spirit are free of dis-ease.

2. I am an able and confident yoga teacher. I tap intuitively to the knowledge and wisdom that already resides within me.

Alright, here’s the story.

Within an hour of writing these positive little jingles, I’m at work, I do a normal move/turn/shift. Nothing out of the ordinary and “Oooh! Now that didn’t feel good.” It started as just a slight pinch in the center of my chest underneath my sternum followed by a bruised feeling on the outer bone. 3 days later after teaching 2 classes and attempting to attend a 3rd, I ended up spending the entire session in child’s pose (even that being uncomfortable), canceling my evening classes and being as still as possible throughout the weekend.

Come Monday (now 6 days later) knowing I could not cancel class or get out of my other job, I tried to take it as easy as possible. Mind you, the pain has continued to escalate. It is constant. It hurts to be still, let alone talk or even breathe. I am teaching by instruction only, no demonstrating. I am being mindful of my body’s movement with every step. What I need to be doing is resting, and nothing but. But as those of you with families, homes or jobs that require you to carry on, you’ll know why I cannot just rest. Oh how I want to. Luckily I have a fantastic support group at home (Thank you, beautiful family!) and they take excellent care of me. I am also grateful for my students that allow me to be completely imperfect.

Wow the lessons of impermanence.

I don’t know what I’ve done exactly. The castor oil packs are advice from a holistic body worker and if I am not healing within the next couple of days I’m going in for some touch therapy. Right now it feels as if bones are protruding from my chest, though there is no visible evidence that anything is wrong.

In the meantime, I’m treading carefully.

And I’ve still got those affirmations in my pocket.

Join Manitou Yoga and members of your community to show support for this wonderful cause!

Funny thing happened today.

I released yet another label.

How interesting the ego is. How amusing the small self. (There, there small self. I mean no disrespect.)

I have been known (often) to complain about labels. I feel so boxed in by them. And Goddess forbid someone else label me.

For instance, some such labels by friends and others: Shy. Strong. Brave. Bitch. Young grasshopper. Stuck up. Shining. True. The list goes on. And on. Forever. Some nice and flattering. Others… not so much. For one that runs from labels, I, too, give myself a lot of them. Mother. Wife. Teacher. Writer. Poet. Yogi. Designer. Again, the list goes on.

Some of these titles are obvious, and only too natural. (Well, of course I’m a mother.) Even in my introduction to “me”, the title page that holds this blog, I fill your mind (and my own) with labels. This is who I am. See. This. That. These things. Are me.

Not really.

I have been rebelling against this label thing my whole life. Identifying them with ego, but not fully seeing the action of identifying itself as ego.

Silly girl. Oop. Another one.

Here’s the thing. Labels are not bad. Neither is the ego. There is a comfort in it all. And we humans often rely on our comforts.

There is a Sanskrit mantra: Ham Sa. I am That.

That. Everything. Divine. God. Goddess. Spirit. Every. Thing. That.

It is the label that is absent of labels.

Let the ego play with the irony of that conundrum for a while.

In our physical yoga practice, meaning asana and the awareness and control of breath, we are building pranic energy. Prana. Energy. Life force. As individuals that energy can be a very powerful thing. The more we practice, the more our mind becomes still. The mind becomes still, the pranic energy continues to rise. When we practice in a group, the pranic energy becomes dynamic. We mingle with each other, give and receive of one another. We raise the vibration of our very souls. With these thoughts in mind, we name a Sankalpa, an intention, and we use the energy of our practice to direct that intention.

Now here’s a yogic principle come into play, that of non-attachment. We set our intention, we put our prana behind that intention, we bow our heads on this practice, and then we let it go. It is out there doing its work. And we hold no attachment to the outcome.